Thursday, February 24, 2011

Lurk Suckerburg

I have facebook, i dont like it though... too much info... i found myself in a pickle this week and i blurted out a sentence as a status update... i returned the next day clear and free from the stress pickle only to then feel a dumptruck sized pity on my inability to internalise and deal with my issues... cause the world doesnt need to know that stuff. They dont care.
So while i have since deleted all signs of weakness, i have gone into research mode about my use of the networking tool... today i logged onto facebook 6 times... why?? shouldnt once be enough?? an update a day to keep the doctor away?? i then had to talk myself down from the ledge of de-activation... i was locked and loaded to de-activate... i rarely talk/communicate/enjoy my facebook time... so why have it? i can be partial to the odd witty comment but more often then not there isnt anything happening there... I just have to look and my minimal friend list to realise im not losing much! but i hear you Gen Y.. you want to know why? why someone can live without a mobile and facebook... well let me see... its an easy choice, which is only solidified by the behaviour of others.. i have one friend whose everyone fucking update is a lyric to a love song, whether she is confused of the liberties and freedom to write more i dont know? but that individual isnt the sharpest tool in the shed and her daily pining is almost more depressing then starving children.... then i have a good friend who has a friend who finds it to be her duty to write the stupidest fucking comments ever.. like there is an annual award for pissing everyone off with the poorest humour.. and she is gunning for it!! but i can place her here easily, pigeonholing being my olympic talent.. cause she falls under another class... "The facebook mowper" (pronounced mow-per) the sad lonely bored and dis-interested individual whose lifetime mistakes and regrets are solved once children are carted to school, this then leaves her 8 solid hours to forget worldly priorities and wish herself away into a new world... diverting energy away from housework to massage her mouse and eat chocolate and fuckin raid every one of her 437 facebook friends walls, looking for a crumb of information that can be gossip, fixed, joked or "like"d... sad sad moments.. so alone.... this doesnt even account for the crops and harvesting required on her farmville farm... let alone the poke of high school friends and lunch break to watch Ellen...

So after all this my life needs to be un-tagged from facebook... no one has 1700 fucking friends... i notice the people with more friends actually have less going on.. less people comment on there photos/updates/walls... interesting % forcasting there.. more friends = less action?? sad... sad to be so largely stalked by people so un-interested... why not just have friends?? and leave the networking to Lawyers, Bankers and recruitment consultants... why not leave the gossip to cheap magazines... why not leave the bullying in the school yard... why not leave the photos on your hard drive... and why not leave your relationship status between your significant other?? why the fuck to we need to share our lives with strange and often creepy people??

Well if you have been bothered to read this far... here is my offering to you.. follow along and if pain persists, cancel your broadband account... but since im the only one who could get rid of there account.. i will help you view your ways in a more endearing fashion... cause what are friends for?

Helpful Hints: How to stop being a Facebook Stalker
Im going out on a limb suggesting you may need a guide to stop being a Facebook stalker?
You know you've all been there and some people don’t even realise they have a problem. So well done, you’re already on your way to recovery.
Now, what can you do to stop being a stalker?
Firstly, allow me to provide you with a definition:
Stalking ­– obsessively following an individual or individuals, usually considered harassment.
In this case, to simplify, it means you’re obsessed with someone and you constantly follow them on Facebook. Your every waking moment is spent refreshing their wall over and over again waiting for something to pop up, hoping against hope, that it’s something you can comment on.

If this is you, you need to realise that just because someone has added you as a friend it doesn’t mean you can keep tabs on them. There’s a reason why it’s awkward when someone tells you about a party you weren’t at and you say “Oh yeah, the one where you were dressed up as a cow and then pretended to have sex with the crocodile, right?”

So, how can you kick the habit of being a stalker?
Allow me to provide you with another definition:
Sleuthing – collecting information about someone or something, usually via detective work.
Think of it as a form of voyeurism, facebook ninjary, where people’s privacy is their own decision (or not thanks to Facebook’s quite subtle, and obscure, privacy settings). However, unlike voyeurism, everyone keeps their clothes on and there’s no chance of being caught… well, if you delete your history.

You might be thinking this is still stalking, but you’d be wrong. Pay attention now, because I’m only going to say this once:  

It’s not stalking if you don’t know the person.

If you’re unsure about what counts, here are three simple rules:

  1. Are they one of your friends? Stalker.
  2. Have you met/had contact with the person before? Stalker.
  3. There are no exceptions to Rules 1 & 2.

You might be saying now “Okay, I’m a stalker! You still haven’t told me how to fix this problem!”

That’s easy, by substituting "stalking" with "sleuthing".

With my simple 5 Step program you’ll no longer be hitting alt+tab every time a mutual friend walks into the room. You’ll be confident and even welcome them over to check out your new activity.

Step 1: Go onto a friend’s wall.

Usually you want to sleuth attractive people and I believe in the maxim “attractive people have attractive friends.” So, go to one of your more socially attractive friend’s wall.

For example,

A model/singer/dancer... just someone more popular then your lame self.
Step 2: Scroll down their wall until you find a thumbnail that catches your attention.

If it’s a celebrity photo: don’t bother.
If it’s a piece of art work: no point.
If it’s someone showing a bit more skin than usual: you have a winner.
Note: Don’t forget Rule 2. If you’ve met them before, or vaguely know them… Stalker!

Step 3: Don’t stop at one.

If you’ve never heard the saying “don’t count your chickens before they hatch” then I don’t know where you’ve been the last century. Basically, these days people are more aware of privacy settings and will limit how much access you have to their wall/photos. To compensate for this you want to use the shotgun method and open as many tabs, of as many people as your browser can load.
Step 4: Narrow down the targets.

Usually thumbnails can be misleading and leave a bad taste in your mouth when you see the photo enlarged. Close that shit before you get discouraged and return to your stalking ways.

Also, as mentioned in Step 3, you won’t be able to view much more than the display picture. So close those one’s too.
The flaccid mouse of "no-click" privacy.

This should leave you with maybe 3 or 4 peoples’ photos you can view.

Note: Do NOT "like" or comment on the photos. Not only is that creepy, it initiates contact and hence makes you a stalker. A creepy stalker...

Step 5: Rinse. Repeat. Enjoy

Once you become accustomed to the 5 Step program you can increase your sleuthing abilities by using multiple friends pages at one time, or even fan pages of things you like. The world is actually your oyster!
Don’t forget to enjoy yourself and the fact that you’re no longer a Facebook-stalker but a slightly more respectable Facebook-sleuther! it will no doubt help you sleep at night and make creepy conversation less weird and more "friend with common interests"

"Yeah man, you totally gotta check out this honey. Nah, I don't know her therefore it's sleuthing."

So there it all is.... cards are on the table.... if you have facebook you are no matter what some part creepy... but i hope that you will reduce your stalking vampirish ways for sleuthing... and never forget...if you want to rid stalkers and sleuthers from your life, its free to cull... they aren't your friends so just get down and do some edward CULL-en...take it back to a myspace Top 24.. be friends with your friends... ASTONISHING!
actually forget all i have said and go outside.. exercise... or if your at work do some fucking work? stop procrastinating on lurkerville... it truely not that great...



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