Friday, December 31, 2010

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Best Of Series: HATE

Ahh, good old fashioned Hate. The very mention of the word may have lost it's initial impact over the years due to hip-hop's unintentional redefinition (the 'hater' epidemic) or the tendencies of teenage girls to associate it with pretty much everything that isn't Robert Pattinson, but the act of hating is still as necessary as it is unnecessary in humanity's increasingly critical nature and more importantly, blog topics. A few decades ago, the word HATE could have incited war on a global scale if placed in the wrong context. Today, I can sit here and safely say that I hate Kyle Sandilands, the wind and eggplant and not even flinch in doing so. I hate eggplant so much that my vision blurs whenever I think about it. Kyle Sandilands has a similar effect.

Hate's primary appeal lies in it's ease of execution. Unfortunately, It's much harder to think of and express a genuine, heartfelt compliment then it is to highlight the shortcomings of another human being or entity. Well, it is for me anyway, and I'm writing the goddamn crap your reading so you could probably just shut your goddamned, uninformed mouth and stop interrupting me.....

See? So much easier than complimenting you all.

In practice, hate might be fun and all when it's dropped at the right moment (in the safety of your own home on a Facebook status update or a Harry Potter premiere), but it can also be an incredibly ignorant, jealousy-driven form of expression reserved for those of us who are just plain jerks. As an awesome individual, we've all been exposed to the big H at one point or another, be it for pushing to the front of the line at boxing day sales or signing a lucrative endorsement contract with an energy drink company whose product is reserved for jock douchebags and lorry drivers, which is why it brings me great pleasure (or sadism) to bring you the most comprehensive and thoroughly researched 'Most Hated' list ever concocted. Now get out of my face and enjoy!


AUGUSTA W.A has faced the wrath of my disturbing hate profiling! i have a personal pact to never visit this hole ever again! its hard to honestly critique a place charging $20 for you to walk around the lawn of a lighthouse but do yourself the favour of sending all junk mail spam and unhealthy african plagues in the direction of this cesspool! If you combined every hurtful joke about red heads i would unload it on this town! cause it's common knowledge that teasing people with Gingervitis produces vast amounts of satisfaction and this town deserves to be hated and belittled,  infact a thought process that will no doubt lead to a mutually beneficial relationship in which we can continue to criticize and hate this town would be to make it a part of S.A cause it doesnt belong here!

You are probably expecting this list to roll on with a racially charged list of Hates aren't you?? cause thats the area hate breeds... rascism... but nope not this time... *unless we are talking about polynesians who think pride = engraving there last name like a personalised number between there shoulder blades is cool?? cause that is more popular then K.F.C shares in Samoa and that tattoo fad pisses me right of the deep end of hate! 

(oi tru dat cuz!!)

But my only true hate worth sharing globally is Augusta... oh and wallet chains... but more Augusta... Augusta = South Australia and everyone hates S.A!

Dodging Bullets VS Winning Love Lotto

I consider myself an old western gun slinging bullet dodger, i have seen an unusally large amount of unfairly bi-polar lovers who i swear were amazing only to turn crazy and release their inner cat-lady and send me crazy!! banana's!! cukoo!! which i just have to fathom as my inabilty to escape down the fire escape before my girl friend goes Britney Spears and shave their head up emotional break down style and cause me to lose sleep with the fear they may be watching me creepily in the shadows while i sleep (dreaming of better times), yet if i had standards lower then the combined Kardashian family I.Q i may have just settled and married any of these satisfactorily diagnosed nutjobs, but i chose life over death and burnt bridges like an islamic terrorist of love!

Interestingly, my love life is boring to write about so i shall apply this epidemic to celebrities who we are free to judge, gossip and discriminate againest because we commonly see pictures of them in magazines whilst waiting at the Doctors / Hair dressers / blah blah blah where EVER! so since we see them we can safely draw the connection we must know the ins and outs of their lives better then they do! only logical right? gossip = undeniable truth in my books!!!

Lets class them as Bullet Dodgers & Love Lotto winners yeah?? The bullet dodgers being the partner whose love averts international condemnation of unhappiness and bails before the rent gets worse then a hotel on Mayfair! The love lotto winners being the partner who somehow swung for the fences and hit a bases loaded lover home run and shall spend the rest of their life unbelievably lucky diving into 4th base head first, which if you get the pun and apply it to your dream partner you should be smiling more then a lotto winner therefore your one over-achieving bastard! (SEAL im looking at you!)

I will start with the beginning of reality T.V Lovers, cause nothing says love like broadcasting your dirty laundry weekly.


These 2 are tough to class, because they both fail at life therefore are they both bullet dodgers! or winners? reseach via magazine photos would lead me to believe Mr Boy band may have won lotto for the simplest reason being he got the best years of Jessica Simpsons body whilst his tattoos were still popular... lets observe...


Yes, early years lead me to the findings of Nick's brain leaking on to his shoulder due to the mind numbingly boring and stupid conversations with his wife, if not that it could be jizz stains due to pre-eating binge Jessica having all those curves and Nick without no brakes... im still struugling to class them, i think they both win cause neither wants to be with either so its a bullet dogding  musical meltdown...

More interestingly i realised i need to focus on daters not married couples... so this should become more on point, i think i just got distracted by the curves of Miss Simpson and needed to give myself a reason to google images of her, apologises readers, im back on track now! 


Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen, Summer & Skywalker... obviously Anakin has won love lotto to be dating the cutest 5'2" creation gracing Gods green earth... (i find that jealousy isnt awesome, yet jealousy is taking over) plus i sick of searching for dope photos... im dope photo exhausted! your all spoilt and able to type into a google search bar!! so the rest is on you to judge...

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long.... both winners...

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake.... Jessica got lucky... Justin makes mermaids wet, so Jessica your lucky!

Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin... being home alone with Miss Kunis is a personal dream of mine, so well done child prodigy, you have tar & feathered every man in the world by pulling this one off... [insert golf clap]

Blake Lively and Penn Badgley... XOXO BLAKE! so lotto won by Penn...

Mr & Mrs Smith.... if Brad can get out from under Angelina's bondage devices then Brad would have dodged a blood sucking bullet.

Chris Brown and Rihanna... true bullet dodged, i think she didnt manage to dodge any fists but she dodged some bullets! i saw her in a onesie today, WOW! if i can kiss her i would have completed 2010 resolutions!!!

im over this.. the blog is spacing it all weirdly and im not in the mood for dope photo searching OR issues of typing related problems!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Like a G6....


The Best Of Series: wish i thought of it!


Idea generation is my thing, but sometimes i wish i came up with ideas like putting a bottle opener on a T.V remote, those are money making combos! but who would have thought simple redesigning of band-aids would rock my world like it was "whippin' its hair back and forth" I just need these bandaids and injuries in my life!

Celebrate like a KING!

Well it is the time of year to celebrate the birth of someone so amazing he is changing the world with every deed... that one man of men, the mesiah, king of kings, this is the chosen one himself, self proclaimed douche bag of the millenium King James a.k.a LeBron James a.k.a if you go to his website he only refers to himself as King James so please correctly call him by the chosen title of King. I prefer to go with the middle name Raymone, cause he looks like a Raymone.

Well this creature of D.N.A structure blessing the basketball courts was born on 30.12.1984... so im thinking thats closer to Christmas then the other perfect dude we remember this time of year, so the battle for King Raymone's birth King naming rights mantle is on like donkey kong!

But lately his level of "piss the world off at every opportunity" is off the charts! i guess you could say it started when he clearly quit during the N.B.A finals last year, or the choice to leave his home town Cavs and go from most loved person in America to most hated and an approval rating lower the Barack Obama, my boy Raymone is on a slippery slope of hatred which for the dietry concerned isnt a bother if your rich and talented. Whoever is directing this guy is drinking behind the wheel i give you the tip!


He left Ohio without truely saying O-Bye-O, signed with Miami, or should i say "took his talents to south beach" to join his pillow biting homies C.B. & flash a.k.a i dont want to be called flash. All 3 of these Coloured superstars signed deals worth over $110 million dollars and had the basketball world a buzz.

Raymone spent his first cheque on a 10 million dollar cubby house for funsies... yet his girlfriend and 2 sons stayed back in Ohio, Akron to be exact, so really he just blew 10 million on what would equate to be a 1 bedroom apartment with 9 extra bedrooms?


I guess King Raymone needed a castle to rest his weary bobble head... the head which has grown so large that it has N.A.S.A sending up satelites to orbit it and conduct press interviews with the worlds new king of the jungle. It's this ego which has meant i have jumped off his band wagon, he is clearly suffering a servere cause of dickhead-itis and i can no longer cheer for the man in fear of it being "whatever the word is where i may catch the before mentioned disease"

Yet he is still on his merry way with his new found friends in south beach, proving he is a tosser before each and every game, but the game just hasnt been as fun for him, Miami is in struggletown early on in the season and are being crippled by a lack of big men (that being men big in stature, they dont lack the 3 big men with big wangs hanging off there foreheads) here are 2 of the men who like playing with their wangs after early season losses.


Mind you they do pull off some rather amazing moments....

But still i outrageously deny the opportunity to cheer, for the pure unadulterated hatred of the Chosen one even if he does have a hair saving plan which i may be interested in... a simple 7 year process to reverse hairs unwillingness to sprout! which i am sure he will market!


And truely after all this waffling, i can only get to my actual point about his birth and my disdain for his life in general.. Raymone turns 26 in 5 days and he is looking for sponsers to pony up cash to fund the celebration.
The actual birthday party will be celebrated on December 30 at the Coco Deville lounge in Miami's Gansevoort Hotel, which i presume to be a hip choice? but it doesn't end there. Raymones handlers are creating an eleven-stop eleven city birthday tour for companies who want their products and brand names shoved in front of young hipsters commonly known as tag along dumb people with diamond necklaces and leased ferraris with hookers for girlfriends. It's called the LeBron "King" James Full Court Birthday Celebration. For 500k you can sponser his birthday, for serious! there is a power point presentation that if i could work out how to attach it to my blog you would be gazing at a mind numbing proposal of stupidity of the black variety! So in closing. Raymone, you are a patchy skinned wart wearing a singlet and getting paid lots for it, but i hate you and the world will follow me cause i just blogged about you. My blogs big time Bron Bron! lights out!

It's nearly boxing day right?

Merry Christmas to the readers of this blog which when narrowed down is 2 of my friends... so hope you both had wonderous days of egg-nog and wrapping paper...for me my Christmas day is boxing day so im about 4 hours away from being perky and irregularly excited about a chosen day of joyous times and memorable activities... WEEEEWEEEEWEEEE!