Thursday, February 24, 2011

Lurk Suckerburg

I have facebook, i dont like it though... too much info... i found myself in a pickle this week and i blurted out a sentence as a status update... i returned the next day clear and free from the stress pickle only to then feel a dumptruck sized pity on my inability to internalise and deal with my issues... cause the world doesnt need to know that stuff. They dont care.
So while i have since deleted all signs of weakness, i have gone into research mode about my use of the networking tool... today i logged onto facebook 6 times... why?? shouldnt once be enough?? an update a day to keep the doctor away?? i then had to talk myself down from the ledge of de-activation... i was locked and loaded to de-activate... i rarely talk/communicate/enjoy my facebook time... so why have it? i can be partial to the odd witty comment but more often then not there isnt anything happening there... I just have to look and my minimal friend list to realise im not losing much! but i hear you Gen Y.. you want to know why? why someone can live without a mobile and facebook... well let me see... its an easy choice, which is only solidified by the behaviour of others.. i have one friend whose everyone fucking update is a lyric to a love song, whether she is confused of the liberties and freedom to write more i dont know? but that individual isnt the sharpest tool in the shed and her daily pining is almost more depressing then starving children.... then i have a good friend who has a friend who finds it to be her duty to write the stupidest fucking comments ever.. like there is an annual award for pissing everyone off with the poorest humour.. and she is gunning for it!! but i can place her here easily, pigeonholing being my olympic talent.. cause she falls under another class... "The facebook mowper" (pronounced mow-per) the sad lonely bored and dis-interested individual whose lifetime mistakes and regrets are solved once children are carted to school, this then leaves her 8 solid hours to forget worldly priorities and wish herself away into a new world... diverting energy away from housework to massage her mouse and eat chocolate and fuckin raid every one of her 437 facebook friends walls, looking for a crumb of information that can be gossip, fixed, joked or "like"d... sad sad moments.. so alone.... this doesnt even account for the crops and harvesting required on her farmville farm... let alone the poke of high school friends and lunch break to watch Ellen...

So after all this my life needs to be un-tagged from facebook... no one has 1700 fucking friends... i notice the people with more friends actually have less going on.. less people comment on there photos/updates/walls... interesting % forcasting there.. more friends = less action?? sad... sad to be so largely stalked by people so un-interested... why not just have friends?? and leave the networking to Lawyers, Bankers and recruitment consultants... why not leave the gossip to cheap magazines... why not leave the bullying in the school yard... why not leave the photos on your hard drive... and why not leave your relationship status between your significant other?? why the fuck to we need to share our lives with strange and often creepy people??

Well if you have been bothered to read this far... here is my offering to you.. follow along and if pain persists, cancel your broadband account... but since im the only one who could get rid of there account.. i will help you view your ways in a more endearing fashion... cause what are friends for?

Helpful Hints: How to stop being a Facebook Stalker
Im going out on a limb suggesting you may need a guide to stop being a Facebook stalker?
You know you've all been there and some people don’t even realise they have a problem. So well done, you’re already on your way to recovery.
Now, what can you do to stop being a stalker?
Firstly, allow me to provide you with a definition:
Stalking ­– obsessively following an individual or individuals, usually considered harassment.
In this case, to simplify, it means you’re obsessed with someone and you constantly follow them on Facebook. Your every waking moment is spent refreshing their wall over and over again waiting for something to pop up, hoping against hope, that it’s something you can comment on.

If this is you, you need to realise that just because someone has added you as a friend it doesn’t mean you can keep tabs on them. There’s a reason why it’s awkward when someone tells you about a party you weren’t at and you say “Oh yeah, the one where you were dressed up as a cow and then pretended to have sex with the crocodile, right?”

So, how can you kick the habit of being a stalker?
Allow me to provide you with another definition:
Sleuthing – collecting information about someone or something, usually via detective work.
Think of it as a form of voyeurism, facebook ninjary, where people’s privacy is their own decision (or not thanks to Facebook’s quite subtle, and obscure, privacy settings). However, unlike voyeurism, everyone keeps their clothes on and there’s no chance of being caught… well, if you delete your history.

You might be thinking this is still stalking, but you’d be wrong. Pay attention now, because I’m only going to say this once:  

It’s not stalking if you don’t know the person.

If you’re unsure about what counts, here are three simple rules:

  1. Are they one of your friends? Stalker.
  2. Have you met/had contact with the person before? Stalker.
  3. There are no exceptions to Rules 1 & 2.

You might be saying now “Okay, I’m a stalker! You still haven’t told me how to fix this problem!”

That’s easy, by substituting "stalking" with "sleuthing".

With my simple 5 Step program you’ll no longer be hitting alt+tab every time a mutual friend walks into the room. You’ll be confident and even welcome them over to check out your new activity.

Step 1: Go onto a friend’s wall.

Usually you want to sleuth attractive people and I believe in the maxim “attractive people have attractive friends.” So, go to one of your more socially attractive friend’s wall.

For example,

A model/singer/dancer... just someone more popular then your lame self.
Step 2: Scroll down their wall until you find a thumbnail that catches your attention.

If it’s a celebrity photo: don’t bother.
If it’s a piece of art work: no point.
If it’s someone showing a bit more skin than usual: you have a winner.
Note: Don’t forget Rule 2. If you’ve met them before, or vaguely know them… Stalker!

Step 3: Don’t stop at one.

If you’ve never heard the saying “don’t count your chickens before they hatch” then I don’t know where you’ve been the last century. Basically, these days people are more aware of privacy settings and will limit how much access you have to their wall/photos. To compensate for this you want to use the shotgun method and open as many tabs, of as many people as your browser can load.
Step 4: Narrow down the targets.

Usually thumbnails can be misleading and leave a bad taste in your mouth when you see the photo enlarged. Close that shit before you get discouraged and return to your stalking ways.

Also, as mentioned in Step 3, you won’t be able to view much more than the display picture. So close those one’s too.
The flaccid mouse of "no-click" privacy.

This should leave you with maybe 3 or 4 peoples’ photos you can view.

Note: Do NOT "like" or comment on the photos. Not only is that creepy, it initiates contact and hence makes you a stalker. A creepy stalker...

Step 5: Rinse. Repeat. Enjoy

Once you become accustomed to the 5 Step program you can increase your sleuthing abilities by using multiple friends pages at one time, or even fan pages of things you like. The world is actually your oyster!
Don’t forget to enjoy yourself and the fact that you’re no longer a Facebook-stalker but a slightly more respectable Facebook-sleuther! it will no doubt help you sleep at night and make creepy conversation less weird and more "friend with common interests"

"Yeah man, you totally gotta check out this honey. Nah, I don't know her therefore it's sleuthing."

So there it all is.... cards are on the table.... if you have facebook you are no matter what some part creepy... but i hope that you will reduce your stalking vampirish ways for sleuthing... and never forget...if you want to rid stalkers and sleuthers from your life, its free to cull... they aren't your friends so just get down and do some edward CULL-en...take it back to a myspace Top 24.. be friends with your friends... ASTONISHING!
actually forget all i have said and go outside.. exercise... or if your at work do some fucking work? stop procrastinating on lurkerville... it truely not that great...



Monday, February 21, 2011

The Best Of Series: AllStar update

So yesterday i said that the black mamba Ko-Me would win M.V.P by essentially not passing... 37 points, 1 assist... grand total of 4th M.V.P trophy... well done Mr. Bryant, whilst everyone else is having fun, smiling and bum slapping you and your lack of warm blood set out to win an M.V.P... must have been hard... your a true champion... the game never gets serious till 6 minutes to go... everyone knows that apart from #24... who set out to prove he is the best even with zero defence being played... overall the game was a yawn fest.. Kevin Love the only true white dude showed just how un-athletic and plain white people are... Joe Johnson was an all-star also?? didnt even know he made the team, didnt even see him in the game?? i swear he is some sort of ninja just earning $20m a year from Atlanta for apparently playing hoops... Le-King decided to drop a triple dime on everyone, first person since Jordan to do so... The Celtics all played about 14 minutes of uninspiring sport... Blake Griffin got stage fright... Durantula felt like scoring 34 so he did... averaging a shot for evey minute on the floor i think... yet luckily after all of that there were other things to keep my attention... like every second of non game time revealed a camera panning the stadium highlighting celebrities faces... Diddy and his son with matching hair cuts.. Stevie Wonder with my favourite quote "I want to see the West win"... Stevie you cant see home boy?? your wasting a seat?? Bieber getting a high 5 from Dwight Howard... Biebers head being the size of Dwights shoulder... but my real goose bump moment was the half time show.... Rihanna just makes me smile... and by Rihanna i mean her legs... whether standing still or perfoming oriental pole dancing sequences i still had to pick my jaw up off the ground... so thankyou Ri-Ri... you turned boring to awesome and brought Drake and Yeezy along for the ride... I salute you!! and your thighs...

These words are for you: DO NOT ENTER

I’ve lost a certain liberties I once had here. At one point I could divulge my darkest secrets, deepest desires and share my most intimate of thoughts without fear of ridicule and emotional vulnerability. Anonymity and external subjectivity have somewhat been removed from this alter-identity and in turn led to a retraction in open expression. I’ve found myself on recent occasions, mostly in writings, to begin only to stop to consider who will read it, how it will be read and how it will then be presented back to myself at a later date. Unfortunate indeed it is when one loses the outlet which helps process ones own thought and idea, in turn encouraging a stable state of mind and relieving certain stresses. Instability is creeping back slowly like a black tide at midnight reaching inland, reviving a sense of claustrophobia and washing the sirens nearer. So if your not my friend, do not read this blog, please go play on the swings over the other side of the internet, because the 100's of people just this week who have dropped in make me never want to write here.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

White Men Can't Jump

So with the festivities most commonly known as All Star weekend that are currently being held in L.A and every celebrty with a movie or album coming out getting courtside seats, i thought i would offer something to the actual fans of the sport; Bask-et-b-all... this is a weekend when all the medium talented millionaires of the N.B.A get 4 or 5 days holidays so the superstars (known as superstars, because they fail to pass to team mates) play with each others balls for 3 days, keeping everything cordial... which is weird cause all these guys are starting to dislike each other, or maybe its just Boston that hates the league and since the whole bloody Boston team is playing right now its more like the West vs Boston game in the show stopping bore-fest of centres shooting 3's and break away dunks with no defense until the last 6 minutes where Kobe will hog the ball to win himself the M.V.P title... (wonder if that will come true?) anywho, the other nugget of truth we knew before the final result would be the hype building atomic bomb of Jesus dunking power himself Blake Griffin would win the slam dunk comp, which apart from the fact he didnt deserve to get out of the first round but made it by one point to progress thanks to 5 old dudes who got the calculators out and did the math... whole thing was more rigged then Justin Bieber not winning best new artist at the grammy's... anywho... dunk comp went like this... Serge Ibaka repped Africa and jumped from last week to dunk it from somewhere then followed that by biting a teddy bear dunk??? JaVale McGee used the dunks he should have used in the final in the first 2 rounds, therefore shooting himself in the foot with now no chance to actually win, which doesnt surprise many, for the sheer fact that he plays for Washington and they lack all levels of rational thought processing, luckily he has uber human athletism otherwise he wouldnt be a millionaire and stupid... he would only be poor and stupid... plus its sad when your Mum is a more famous basketball player then you... Then there is Demarr De-Rizin... whose game is getting better every year.. unluckily for him he plays in Toronto which is like being talented in Tasmania, no one will ever care! his poor choice was the douchebag team mate who couldnt pass the ball in time for him to dunk it... seriously, talent got them to the N.B.A?? doubt it, how hard is it to time a 4ft pass to a jumping human??? so he lost his chance to make the final, being unfairly booted out by the Kia Carnival that is Blake snakes on a plane Griffin... overall the whole thing lost meaning by the guys inability to complete dunks first time... therefore lowering the buzz of the crowd, taking it from Bieber screams to Library silence with each passing failure... sure they were trying difficult MAN-nuvers... but it did get kinda lame... so i guess all thats left is for me to put some pics up, press publish post and watch the people from overseas come in droves like a internet plague to read my words....

Serge did this...

JaVale gave people asthma attacks with this..

Poor exstinct Tasmanian Devil did this... (which was my favourite)


Then, because they had all ready paid the engraver of trophies, the N.B.A let this white guy (whose ethnicity im not sure of?) anyway.. they let him win... luckily his personality reminds me of tinea, BORING! and he doesnt even have a jump shot...he just bullies grown men.. cause when he does he will be incredibly good as a "Superstar" player... so here are his jumping high pictures...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

166th Youtube View.

So i love getting fresh sh#t, not actual poo poo...cause that stinks! just crispy as hell hot off the press new sh#t... here is Mr. K West's latest masterpiece... contains all that is good... Kanye flow, crap load of dafont dot com typography and Riri's boobies bird caged... so whilst i should feel bad for throwing up endless youtube vid's i dont... because this is new, like 166th view new, which in the scheme of youtube is pretty early onto the bandwagon... so once again, your welcome.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Hole in one.